Popular posts from this blog
All Wretch & No Vomit
Writing is not necessarily an antidote to how I'm feeling. It's more a way of pulling something out of my body, to see it hovering, almost tangible, articulated in words, filling space. This helps me work out what things might mean, because I'm under no illusion that a lot of the time my experiences of abstract sadness are purely chemical reactions in my brain. It's just other times, they're not. Other times they are a consequence of the world around me, they are caused by the utter discontentment I have for myself, they are the thorn of living in a version of the world I never agreed to be a part of. So when all this is inside of me swirling around and settling down like a black-tar lead-lump of thick grim silt, sunken to the pit of my stomach, writing is almost an attempt to spew it all out, before rifling through the chunks of detritus and confusion, endeavouring to work out what might be causing today's pain. But like I said, writing is not the antid...
Now wash your hands
This past month I tried something new. I tried breathing. Not regular normal in and out breathing type stuff, I do that every day. I mean concentrated inhales and exhales, through the nose and out the mouth. Sometimes when I did it I closed by eyes and rhythmically pressed the tips of my finger and thumb together. I did it to try and create a tiny pocket of zen in an otherwise hectic and chaos filled head. A head in which sometimes, I feel so fucking mad at people, for no reason. A head in which I feel judgmental as fuck, looking around and laugh internally at other people I feel have less of a handle on this shit. A head in which I feel jealous. Sickly jealous. So jealous I think about destroying the things they love, and leaving a hole in there lives, the likes of which I have in mine. It's a feeling that ebbs and flows into me as regularly as the ebbs and flows of my depression, my anxiousness or my complete malaise, but of all these feelings it's the one I'm most ...
Comments
Post a Comment